Bronchioles and such

Since Monday our baby has been ill.  Temperature swings, snot and a horrendous cough.  I don't know if you know this, but the regular store doesn't have cough meds for the "under 4" group.  Every last one of them is for kids 4 and up.  However, the natural foods store has about 5 different options.  So this time, and in the past, we hit up Sunrise Natural Foods and stocked up.  But this time, unlike the past, nothing helped.

So today, day five, I called the doctor and was immediately told to come in.  The gnarly cough that interrupted our consult was enough.  And that's how we ended up spending the morning in the doctor's office.  Three breathing treatments, two chest x-rays and one oral steroid later the doc ruled out pneumonia and settled on "bronchiolitis".

Now we are home with orders to stay home for two days.  We have our own breathing treatment machine (nebulizer) with meds and an additional prescription.  We're on the breather every four hours today and every six hours tomorrow.  Phew!

Our Ro, she's a trooper.  She took this morning in stride, wearing her breathing mask like a champ and standing extra still for x-rays.  What a champ!!

The difference in her demeanor right now compared to 24 hours ago is remarkable.  The meds are definitely helping.  Her chatter factor is back in force.  I didn't realize the reprieve my ears were getting!  We should be good to go for Christmas- hip, hip hooray!

Christmas Mania

Have I told you how much I love being a Mom?  Sometimes I wonder what the heck I ever did with my time before the wee-one.  I seemed so busy, always running.  Surely the pre-kid "me" didn't have such noble duties to accomplish daily.  Yet I am more on top of my game now than I ever was with so much more free-time on my hands.  How is that possible?

This Christmas has been one of the most festive since I moved out and had to start creating my own holiday magic.  With Ro old enough to be in the Santa conversation and the idea of giving gifts one that she can now wrap her head around, it's been awesome!  We've made ornaments, she single handedly decorated our tree and she has suggestions for what we should buy for others (Uncle Chuck almost got a 'decorate it yourself' stuffed animal kit).  My Christmas spirit is through the roof!  I've made a "Merry Christmas" banner for our window, a salt dough garland for over the t.v. and transformed the shallow shelving into a snow scene with lights, snow flakes and construction paper trees.  Also, I decided that at this year's OTP Christmas party, we'd ditch the ornament decorating of the last 2 years and make gingerbread houses.  Ethan and I constructed 11 graham cracker houses last night and tonight they are being adorned with all sorts of goodies at the party.
And what about shopping for your own kid?!  Last year we didn't buy her anything.  This year I can hardly contain myself.  I know that gifts don't equal happiness, and I can't freaking wait to see her open the things we've picked out.  She's gonna LOVE it.  I even got her one more thing (I had said I was finished, you see) at the Disney store yesterday.  I think I need to be quarantined to my house.

Merry Christmas!

Shmirthday

I get asked every year what I want to do for my birthday.  Truth is, I can no more pull that answer out of my brain than spin straw into gold.  Is it the near complete giving up of myself to show up fully for my kid that as shoved the possibility of 'doing for me' out the window?  For 364 days I check out of "Mel" and into "Mom" and that's a hard habit to break.  I don't even want to talk about the unjustifiable guilt, sheesh.  If I do come up with something it's extravagant.  As in, "keep dreaming sister".  In which case I don't bother to bring it up and wave around the fact that what I really want we can't afford.
Let's just say I want a day to myself.  Well, what now?  Do I sit on my keester and watch re-runs of Top Chef?  'Cause really, a day to myself sounds like heaven in that all the dishes would be done, laundry put away, floors scrubbed, base boards wiped, windows shined, E's work shirts ironed....happy birthday to me!
I'd rather my birthday just went by without any obligations, without any guilt that E spent money on something which is really our money so it's not like some free and clear gift.
So, yeah.

I don't love

If I accept people as they are, I am loving them even when I can't stand them.  Right?  So when someone I love (supposedly) can only communicate with me by airing their upsets, annoyances and endless ways they have been wronged...I just accept it, if I love them.  I wouldn't tell them to change.  I wouldn't put rules on the type of communication I would allow them to bring to me.  I would just see that this is a suffering person. This is a person who is stuck in a vicious cycle of victim-hood that was created long ago and has been nothing but reinforced everyday and in every thought.

I am not that loving person.  I hear the dissent and my skin pricks, the muscles tighten around my neck and my jaw clenches.  I am not listening anymore and am instead running through all the reasons I cannot stand to be in this conversation anymore.  I have become resentful.  I have created reason upon reason for why I am right about this person's griping being pathetic and selfish.  I am so removed from a position of loving that I can hardly touch this person without feeling awkward and distant.

The only person I really love is my child.  I don't know of another person who I love in every moment, regardless of her momentary mood or behavior.  I see her acting out and I wonder what the hurt is, what the need is that isn't being fulfilled.  I know this is true for every person.  The acting out fills a void.  We are mostly creatures that interact with the acting-out parts of each other, instead of loving through that moment and discovering what is really going on.

The person I most work on loving is my husband.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I am an amateur lover.  I have trained myself over time to love sparingly and with great caution.  I clearly see how this does myself and others a disservice.  I worry that I will inadvertently pass this sometimes painful trait on to my babies.  I have an extraordinary opportunity to practice loving over the next few days.  To say it out loud sounds like a silly, simple task.  Just to love someone.   Yet the thought of releasing all the stored up resentments, with whom I've become close and friendly, presents itself as scary.

Testing, testing

Always testing.  I get it.  She's growing up, finding her voice and self in the world.  This requires some pushing back, you know, to see where the boundaries really are.  But do we need to draw out that line EVERY DANGED DAY?

There is nothing I am more willing to do and also dread more than consequences.  One time I shocked myself by threatening to take away the chocolate pumpkin we had just bought at Sees.  We spent a good 5 minutes choosing the treat, it was now a prized possession.  So when the threat came out of my mouth, that the squawking in the mall had to stop or else....I was afraid of what I might actually have to do.  She did it no less than three more times, with a very, "I'm doing it anyways" sort of attitude.  Boom- chocolate pumpkin confiscated.  

The following scene wrecked me.  Crying.  Urges that, "Now I'm listening" and, "I'm behaving now" though red, puffy wet eyes.  I explained that I appreciated her behavior now, and that she still wasn't getting the chocolate.  She didn't like that so much.  Following through is the worst/best thing ever.  So completely awful for the instinct to rescue my beloved from her hurt that I created.  I crowded out those thoughts with reassuring ones that this moment and others like it will be why she doesn't behave like a wild dog whose parents have no say.

Tonight and last night's consequences were no books before bed.  Our routine calls for two books before lights out.  This is a big deal.  After making the decision to continue with the unacceptable behavior (tonight it was splashing tons of water out of the bath tub), I laid it out.  

Again, the drama.  Again the insistence that now she was behaving/listening.  Again I wanted to read the books anyways.  But I didn't.

Short term discomfort for long term awesomeness?  I hope so.

Parenting is hard!

Ball smashing

Every day my wee-one asks to do an art project.  Today, a rainy frigid sort of day, was the perfect time for a 'project' that took a bit more effort.  So, upon consulting one of my Pintrest boards, I found it.  We were gonna smash some balls.

Goods required: cotton balls, flour, water and food coloring.  Check, check, check and check.                    

                    

       

                     

 


Basically, you mix equal parts flour and water, add food coloring to your liking and douse a cotton ball in the mixture.  The you bake them at 300 degrees for 45 minutes until they are hard.  Then....you smash them.  Crunchy on the outside, soft in the middle.

It was fun for a minute.  They were kinda hard to smash and I was reminded that I did get this recipe/idea from a site that was promoting ways to keep your boy-child amused.  My girl-child isn't so interested in smashing stuff.

She is interested in other things....

We still smashed all those suckers.  Oh, the destruction, oh the humanity!

Woes of the world

How gross is election time?  Like really, really gross.  So many heavy handed opinions, such fervor and enough fiery passion to drive the masses apart.  I don't think I've heard so many threats to move abroad should one candidate or the other win.  I've heard  heartfelt opinions from both sides about how awful, terrible, horrendous our country will become should one or another win.

It annoys me to no end.  You can't all be right.  We're talking the equivalent to stating a fact one moment and the next person coming along to state that said fact is wrong.  So are there no facts?  No 'good' people? The local election is no exception.

I'm ready for it to be over.  The funny thing is, it's never really over.  The losers will be endlessly blaming the woes of the world on the fact that their guy didn't win.  As if it would have been so wonderfully different if their guy won, as if someone has what it takes to actually make a difference.

In my opinion, the guy who can clear out the crap is never gonna get the chance.  He won't have the resources because he won't be supporting powers that be to continue their charade.  I heard that there are over 100 people running for President.  Why is it that only two of those people are shoved in my face daily?  I know the answer, and that's why we'll stay stuck.

Your guy isn't going to make things "better".  Sorry.