12 year anniversary

September 16, 2006, we used to to say it'd be easy to remember because our area code was "916" and so was our anniversary.  So far it's worked, neither he nor I have forgotten.  I've not really taken notice of it, however.  It's something I think about the day before and then suddenly realize it was yesterday.  It doesn't sit on my head until I get angry with it or sad with it.  Thankfully it keeps to itself.  This year I was up at my boyfriend's house sanding the school's wooden sign that I'd taken as a project.  I got covered in redwood dust, I sweat, I felt proud of what I'd accomplished.  The day prior I was debriefing with my sweetie about being thankful for all of it.  Then I called Ethan and told him too, albeit through some tears.

I'm happy just now.  There are many things I would change, these are mostly trappings and so not really important.  I'd not go back and change anything though.  I'd marry him, I'd make babies with him, I'd go bankrupt with him, I'd live in tiny weird houses and clean up dog diarrhea from the carpet with him.  And while I'd never ever want to go through it again, I'd even have him leave me.  I love the changes that I see in myself since this all began.  I clearly remember who I was when we were married, who I was when I held baby Rosanna in my arms who I was when I called him to find out where he was and learned that he was sitting next to her and they hadn't kissed yet.  And then, having had a major life-spolsion, going on so very many dates- a necessary experience that shifted my world view dramatically and permanently. 

I am so different than I used to be!  I love it.  I would absolutely change my children's confusion and hurt.  To take that away I'd do almost anything.  And yet I also am reminded often to trust.  So I do (it's more rewarding and less stressful than the alternative) and I imagine a way in which this betrayal will serve them in their lives, I imagine how it's all perfect.  This struggle was sent to me to give me an opportunity to "level up", to remember that I am a powerful woman who makes things happen and to practice being love even when it seems impossible.   I'm working, working, working on these things daily.  I'm communicating even when it feels dangerous and reaping the rewards, I'm loving through the seemingly unlovable moments and I'm noticing how much that changes things.

What an awesome practice field my life is. 

For better or for WORSE

So there you are, all decked out in a heavy, gorgeous white dress with makeup perfected and hair that

has been heated, molded, pinned and threatened so as to make it just-so.  You're excited.  The thumping in your chest is fast and full.  This is awesome.  He is awesome.  His smile is elusive and gorgeous and he looks like a freaking model in that suit.  Hot damn- that man is about to be your husband!  Won't your babies be gorgeous?  Won't forever be a breeze if it's with that guy?

At some point you agree that, yes, whether you are sleeping between bedposts made of gold or shivering cold huddled in the nook of grocery store and it's newspaper stand- yes, you will stay together.  You agree that in the peaks of fitness and the depths of addiction, you will stay true.  And finally, the traditional summary, "for better or for worse" presents itself and you agree, but of course.  A most definite hearty and enthusiastic confirmation that this union is the shit.  You feel it powerfully, you judge those who have come before you and you know that you will not be like them.  No, this is a love unlike the rest.

It takes time.  It's always a disappointing and comforting lesson to be reminded that we are not different from each other.  We are all the same.  Our experiences are vast and immeasurably varied, and the bottom line is always that we are, at the core, all the same humans.  There are plenty of ways to convince yourself that you are special and nothing like so-and-so, it's the way we behave on the outside that convinces ourselves of these dividers.  It's the inside that is always, always the same.

I traveled forward into marriage on the high of the "better".  Everything was freaking awesome!  I relish big life changes, it excites me and motivates me.  In that moment you can only imagine what "worse" represents.  I didn't spend a lot of time considering it.  In a vague way it meant to me being annoyed or disappointed.  A feeling that may last a day or two but wouldn't permeate our bond.  I could handle being annoyed and even disappointed.  So that handled that.  No biggie.

In a week, that heavy dress will have been stuffed in a box, dirt still having it's way with the hem, for nine years.  Compared to some, we are still babies in this venture, but this year I feel like I am one hundred years in and am beat up, dirty and dragging small people through a dessert mirage- yes kids, this is real!  This is wonderful!  There is beautiful, clean water in abundance!  This is the year our relationship was KO'd, this is the "worse".

I know it's going to be annoying that I don't spell out the details, but 1. it's not really fair to the man and, 2. I really just need to pour out my emotions on 'paper'.  Y'all: the "worse" is worse than you think you knew in those wistful moments.   For me it looked like days of sobbing with bits of being normal for the small ones.  It looked like every blood cell in my body vibrating with rage and threatening to come out in ways that would have gotten me arrested.  This is not me.  But it was.  I kicked the sofa.  I powered it with the heel of my foot.  I screamed with my whole into a pillow, over and over and over.  I shook all the time.  I cursed and wept in all kid-less moments.  At some point I realized that this whole experience could end.  Like really end.

That end had all kinds of ugly, complicated and heartbreaking new beginnings.  Getting a divorce was never an option for me, yet I wasn't able to see continuing on either.  I am not a patient person, I am a hypocrite in my need for others to make decisions now but insisting on time and space to make them myself.  I became a person who was waiting and surviving the days.  I knew it was time that we needed.  This grand canyon-esque fracture needed time.  Fucking time.

I can count on my family to be wise.  Loving, supportive and wise.  And so it was, this piece of advice that gave me the freedom to have all of the feelings and craziness I was going through, this piece of advice that made the valley (which feels more like a crevasse) that we are experiencing ok.

"Sometimes you just have to be committed to the commitment."

And WOOOSH, I was freed from all the guilt of hating him and despising him and the impossibleness of being near him.  I could let go of my commitment to him- the person, for now, and be committed to that commitment.  Words.  A promise.  I could hang onto that for dear life, squeeze it close and it could be the eye in the center of this overwhelming hurricane of breakdown.  And it's working.  It's only three short months later and we are not healed.  We have a rough sketch of who we want to be now.

Freaking time.

E's turn for the grill....

Here's the man.  And his answers.

1. What was your first impression of me?  I’m not counting the 17yr old you, when we met Mason’s crazy cousin with the light-up wheels and shitty driving.  NYE party: whoa, cute chick and she brought me cookies! Score. Then I got demolished and hit on someone else.  3rd impression: cute mellow chick is still talking to me after last week’s party! Wonder why?
2. How accurate was your impression?  Cute and mellow and still makes me cookies, and still wonder why she’s into me… pretty spot on.
3. What is your idea of a truly romantic evening?  Your Hawaii beach scene totally works.  So do candles and wine and flowers.
4. If I promise not to get upset, can you tell me something you'd like to change in me but don't have the nerve to say?  Wish you came from lots of money.  I’d love if you could teach me to be mellow and grounded.  As far as changing you, I look forward to seeing you drop 20lbs again.  The recent FB pic of us is so hot.
5. If you weren't in the profession you are, what's your dream profession and why?  Always wanted to be an architect.  Last week’s Leadership Auburn intensive at the art gallery had me remember drafting and how fun it was.  Seeing something I designed built, going from my head to really existing, and people in it, would have been amazing.
6. Name three qualities that attracted you to me when you were getting to know me.   Grounded – not addicted to makeup, or labels, or expensive shit.  Adorable giggle and smile and sporatic snorts. Liked to make out in cars.
7. Where is your dream destination and why?  Maui.  It’s like Monterey except more awesome, cleaner, better weather, never hella hot like here.  I’ve always missed living by the ocean.
8. What's your favorite movie of all time and favorite scene in it?  Joe Dirt, when the dog freezes his nuts to the porch.  Only because it’s the scene I remember quoting the most, word for word, until you told me to shut up. 
9. Which fruit/vegetable do you think I resemble and why?  Kiwi.  Soft and kind of furry, not flashy on the outside, awesomely sweet inside.
10. Can you remember your earliest childhood memory of happiness/fear? Happy: reading my birthday cards on my 4th and wowing everyone. Fear: sleeping in the back bedroom in SLO after hearing the news report of whatever famous burglar was running amok in CA in the 80s.
11. Your favorite uncle/aunt/cousin and why:  Jeremy’s always been mellow and grounded and never tried to impress or be tougher or bigger or better than me. Felt closest to him since I can remember.  Proud of him for buying his first house, cried with him when he lost it, love getting his random mellow texts about kidraising and look forward to seeing him hopefully move back up here.
12. What qualities draw you to people to base friendship on?  Being transparent vs a bullshitter.  Integrity, sarcasm, jokes and laughter.  Liking beer!
13. Can you give me a mock session of how you'd discuss sex-ed with a child?  Shit. I think I’ll have you handle it, as I just got anxiety thinking about it for 5 seconds.  I’m so freaked about Ro discovering stupid boys.
14. Your first crush: what drew you to her?  Christina Pinzon.  Liked her cute face and brown hair and her toothy smile, and she talked to me using normal words and not like I had cooties (3rd grade?)
15. Your first date, where'd you go and how long did it last?  Kim took me out, she drove a beater … bmw I think. We did dinner and made out by the beach.  I am so old I have no idea how that relationship started.
16. How did you cope with break-ups in the past?  Not well?  Still have the H I carved in my hand when Hannah and I fell apart.  Noticed eventually I was a serial monogamist and could NOT be by myself for any length of time.  Longest stretch I did since turning 15 was the year before we met.  Not that I’d be ok if dumped again.
17. What's the best decision you ever made?  Taking the money I’d gotten from getting rear-ended on Hwy 65 and buying a plane ticket to Italy to see you.  Don’t think I would’ve kept it together for 3mos after dating 3weeks otherwise.
18. What decision do you regret the most?  Have to pass on this one. 
19. Proudest moment?  Introducing our new Rosanna to Adam/Mason/Russ/Glenn & Gwen.
20. You've won the lottery: name 3 things you'd do, 5 things you'd buy, go!  Trip around the world, pay Reese & Tammy back for our wedding, take Mel back to Italy.  Buy: OTP’s building and parking lot to make it awesome, Audi R8s for everyone I know, the house from the movie Hostage, a house on property in Italy, 1224 Buena Vista in Pacific Grove where I grew up.
21. House is on fire and you can only grab 5 things:  Mel, Ro, Jazz, my phone, our wedding album.
22. Who would you like to be born again as?  Rosanna’s great-grandson, to see how 2150 is.
23. An argument your parents had, that you'd like to avoid with your partner is: ??
24. The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you was: Hit in the head with a rock on the field, 6th grade.  Or blew that bottle of red wine all in my face and eyes and on my white shirt, sometime last year at OTP.
25. Who are you closer to, Mom or Dad?  Growing up, mom.  Now that I feel all old and achy and tired and grumpy and realizing how similar we are, dad.
26. Favorite song/lyrics: Nelly – Country Grammar.  Takes me back to summertime about age 19, not a care in the world.  Late night cruises to hit on chicks with Erik, cheap gas, no responsibilities.
27. Quick, a magic genie is giving you three wishes:  make me always present, bring me comfort in silence, allow me to die before my kids.
28. What most upsets you in a relationship?  Staleness, separation, sleeping clothed.
29. What makes you the most happy?  Coming home from work, waking up from nap, having my girls around me.
30. What is your perception of how people see you? Unreadable, mellow, grey hairs, loving boss, great hubby.

Interview me, baby

I completely stole this from another blogger because I completely love her blog and this is a cool idea.  A little back story: Ethan and I 'found each other' almost 10 years ago and were married over 5 years ago.  We had a child two years ago....

This is from the perspective as Ethan being the interviewer (stay tuned for flip side of that coin).

1. What was your first impression of me?  Popular guy, way out of my league and so, so dreamy.
2. How accurate was your impression?  You're still outta my league in some ways (I think that makes us a good team though) and I was right about the "so, so dreamy" part.
3. What is your idea of a truly romantic evening?  We'd go to a restaurant where we could order anything off the menu, then we'd take a walk down the beach ('cause we're in Hawai'i) and sit and talk about our lives at the edge of the dark ocean, wiggling our toes deeper into the sand.  Then we'd make out.
4. If I promise not to get upset, can you tell me something you'd like to change in me but don't have the nerve to say?  Hmm. I'm not sure there is something that I haven't told you...maybe...nope, you already know.
5. If you weren't in the profession you are, what's your dream profession and why?  I think I'd either be an artist or a caregiver for wild animals who can't be released into the wild.  I love to create and having a blank canvas is so exciting!  I also loved working for Wild Things when I did, it was fulfilling and challenging and I was always learning.  I was pretty cool too.
6. Name three qualities that attracted you to me when you were getting to know me.   Your smile was (is) outrageous, you cared deeply about other people, we did spontaneous things and felt like grown ups for it.
7. Where is your dream destination and why?  Not to be generic, but Hawai'i speaks to me.  I love the smell of the air and sound of rustling palm trees.  I love how sunsets don't seem like the end of the day, just another part of it.  I love how accessible and diverse the ocean is, then the beaches, then the foothills and then the mountain tops.  I love the mystery and presence of the stories.  I love the smell of the plumeria, intense and pervasive. I wanna go now, please?
8. What's your favorite movie of all time and favorite scene in it?  Juno - when she is getting an ultrasound with her step-mom and friend, and the ultra sound tech gets a little mouthy and the step-mom gives her and earful.  
9. Which fruit/vegetable do you think I resemble and why?  A mango.  It's hard to tell when they are ripe with out squeezing them a bit, like you- you wear a muted face and I have to probe to get your weather forecast.  Also, they are hard to get a lot of fruit off of because they are complicated and interesting inside.  You're forever surprising me and keeping me on my toes.
10. Can you remember your earliest childhood memory of happiness/fear?  Fear: my dad wanting to drive me around the block on his motorcycle.  Happiness: getting Finny as a kitten.
11. Your favorite uncle/aunt/cousin and why:  This one is designed to get me in trouble...probably my Uncle Kent.  He always went out of his way to interact with me as a kid: terrorizing me with Fred (my teddy), T.P.ing houses, scaring us at night with scary movies on (turning off the breaker to freak us out) and also taking quiet time to chat with me about my life.  
12. What qualities draw you to people to base friendship on?  I think if a person can drop their act and be real with me, that's a big deal.  Like: have fun and be wild without worrying what I'll think, and also be willing to share honestly and not just the glamorous stuff.
13. Can you give me a mock session of how you'd discuss sex-ed with a child?  I'm gonna take my Aunt Cindy's advice and be completely honest from the get go, and I'm gonna add to every sentence, "When you get married....".  Let's not forget the golden part of her rule: only answer the question they ask.
14. Your first crush: why drew you to him?  His name was Adam.  He was older and popular.  He had blonde hair and played basketball.  He was taller than me (gasp!).  A few girls found out I liked him and confronted me about it and I practically hyperventilated while denying the whole thing.  My mom invented a code name for Adam at home so we could talk about him in front of my little brother without the squirt possibly embarrassing me.  "Sergio".
15. Your first date, where'd you go and how long did it last?  My first date was when I was a Sophomore (so, 16 years old) and he was a Senior (oh-la-la) at another school.  My friend insisted on setting us up on a blind date.  So she, her boyfriend, this guy (Andrew) and I had a double (and blind) date at Sizzler.  The relationship lasted for a year.
16. How did you cope with break-ups in the past?  I didn't.  I was the break-upper and was not into the relationship enough to care, so the break-ups never affected me much...other than to make me feel freer.
17. What's the best decision you ever made?  The best (and hardest) decision I ever made was pre-screening my boyfriends to see if they were going to let me be a stay-at-home mom.  The hardest was with you, because I really liked you and I knew if you said, "no" then it was over.
18. What decision do you regret the most?  Hmm, this is hard for me because I feel like even the crappy decisions have resulted in me being here, in this life I have now (which I LOVE).  How about....not taking school more seriously.  
19. Proudest moment?  Creating life.
20. You've won the lottery: name 3 things you'd do, 5 things you'd buy, go!  I'd create a giant family reunion and fly everyone to a tropical location, the whole thing'd be on me.  I'd get my teeth fixed.  I'd throw money at savings and college for my kiddo.  I'd buy: the pink slip for the van, the pink slip for the BMW, a house, health insurance and a kitchen table.
21. House is on fire and you can only grab 5 things:  Rosanna, Ethan, Jazzy Belle, wedding ring and my glasses.
22. Who would you like to be born again as?  A well loved cat.
23. An argument your parents had, that you'd like to avoid with your partner is: the one that can't be resolved.
24. The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to you was: I honestly don't know.  I think I've let all that crap go.
25. Who are you closer to, Mom or Dad?  My mom, she's been my primary parent forever.  If my Dad had chosen to be closer, then it might be both of them because my Dad relates to me in ways my Mom doesn't (and vice-versa).
26. Favorite song/lyrics: Probably "Lie In Our Graves" by Dave Matthews Band.  It is wildly fulfilling to my soul.  It's magical.  The instrumental in the middle makes me happy. 
27. Quick, a magic genie is giving you three wishes: to always be content in the moment I find myself in, be a compassionate wife/mother, to love healthy choices.
28. What most upsets you in a relationship?  When things don't go the way I think they should.  I'm a controller.
29. What makes you the most happy?  When we both agree on a path or a choice for our lives and we are both excited about it.
30. What is your perception of how people see you?  Quiet, opinionated, unapproachable. 

Up next....Ethan's answers!  If he'll let me :)