I, like you no doubt, have heard the Adele song hundreds of times. "Someone Like You" emerged when Rosanna was little and I was moved by it. Her voice was powerful and thick with emotion, she took me along her journey of heartache and longing and I felt as though she were telling my story. I get emotional like that. In fact, just last weekend I fought back tears when I overheard a man reminding his wife of her ring size. He knew it more readily than she did. This is the kind of love I want. Anyhow- I was listening to that song again today, reminiscing how little RoRo would sing it with me in her lispy 2 year old voice, and it occurred to me that the song is even more sad than it seems.
Think on it for a tick: she is still so stricken by this love lost that she seeks the man long after the romance has died. So long, in fact, that he is completely over it and is taken aback that she has shown up again. Despite this, she croons to us that it is no biggie, not to worry, she'll find another JUST LIKE HIM. **Girlfriend**: unless we're looking to relive the situation that caused you to write an epic-ly moving and wildly popular love song- I suggest we shift our focus to someone NOT like him. OR she is making deeper observations about the nature of human beings to choose the same situation over and over again through different people/scenarios while still incurring the same results- thus "finding someone like you" is inevitable.
That's really not why I sat down to write this evening. I sat down to give myself a genuine high five. I heard a piece of the song differently tonight and it gave me a moment of reflection: I have chastised myself for the amount of pain I suffered while my world was disintegrating. I had, pre-Ethan, built sturdy walls around my vulnerable parts and, as a result of work and love and trust, I had let the man in. I hated myself a good deal for not being smart enough to stay walled up, while at the same time knowing that "walled up" isn't a way I want to live. Ethan, knowing me better than me, insisted that loving is my nature. He told me I couldn't shut it down even if I wanted to. He saw in me things that I refused to, he lifted me up (ironically, during the time when his actions were stomping me down) and promised that who I am is amazing. I am acknowledging some of this now, and this little snippet of the song brought it into new light:
"Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?"
I heard it like this: it's all perfect. There is no choice but to live through all the moments, without endless second guessing and analyzation, the result isn't promised- so we just live it. Then! this song comes on, and I was like, "HELL YEAH":
"I hope you fall in love and it hurts so bad- the only way you can know is give it all you have....."
SO -you guys- IT HURT SO BAD. Just thinking about the hurt is making me cry again. From this I can discern that I freaking gave my all. I am so proud that I gave my all. What a waste if I hadn't. I am so proud that I hung on to my marriage and made gargantuan attempts to make it right. I am so stinking proud of myself for the stubborn clinging and no-shit honoring of a commitment. I'm also proud of the moment I decided that I was worth more than what I was fighting for, so I took out my scissors and, through mind-numbing sobbing, cut loose the life I was promised.
For record, it still hurts...just not as bad.
