Tuesday, March 27, 2012


It's been awhile since I've been creative.  I didn't even know I missed it.  The part of my brain that was resting, un-stimulated was so quiet that I had forgotten it was there.

Then a few things happened right in a row that shook the sleepy dust off of my left brain, and it awoke with a hunger!  People that I know, women, were experiencing the same thing.  They wanted, no they needed to create.  So we got together and did it- created.

Glue, scissors, paper, canvas, paints.

Tissue paper, paint brushes, photos, glitter, tape.

All came together to form art work for baby's nurseries, kid's rooms, wall decor and memory boxes.  Ideas and colors, chit chat and laughter flowed.

This sort of gathering has happened four times for me in the past three weeks.  I have art work that I adore and have no where to put it.  Even such, I want to make more.  My brain in pulsing with ideas and inspiration.  I leave these gatherings feeling happy, light and fulfilled.  I suppose I have missed social interaction.  It's rejuvenating, whether I create something super cool or not.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Momma Trauma

Moments like this one, where my kid is in her bed, screaming "Mommy!" while coughing and choking on heavy sobs, make me wonder: what was I thinking?

I've already put her back to bed twice.  I can see her on the monitor.  I've decided that my methods aren't working (this is a trend for the past four nights).  I can see her getting out of bed so I call to her from my spot on the couch, "Lay down Rosanna".  A fresh gusto of dismay and tragedy pours out of her.  She lays down and pulls the covers up.  Her small body is jerking with spastic breathes and she is still crying.

I am fighting reasoning against intense momma-bear coddling that is urging me to go in there and hold her until her breathing is normal again.

This sucks.

In this moment I ask myself: what was I thinking?  In a few years this upset will be small beans compared to what the world will bring to my most treasured soul.  It will tear me up and require of me to make more choices that won't make my baby happy, might even make her mad at me.  And it will be the best choice for her.  It'll likely give me heat palpitations (like tonight is) and I'll cry myself.

I signed up for this.

Right now she's quiet.  Every so often I hear a hard sniffle, one of those gasps that last for awhile after a hard cry.  She's still in bed.  I didn't even get up.  I feel like this should be a proud moment for me.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Ways to love your kid

Take them outside

Show them around

Create with them

Let them be free to create

Sing songs in the bath

This is how we loved our kid today.  It was amazing.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Salty wound

One of the only pieces of mail is from Kaiser.  "Weird", I think, because we are no longer insured by them...or anyone for that matter.  I settled on the explanation being that it's regarding Ro, since she is insured there.

Nope.  It's actually for me.  For "Melanie".  Gee, thanks for the courtesy of spelling my name right.  It's printed correctly on everything Kaiser has for me, but apparently this was too much trouble.

"We notice that your due date of 3/29/12 is fast approaching!  We hope to make your experience here as lovely as possible and want to be sure you are registered at L&D and blah, blah, blah, blah"

Oh, God.  Seriously?  I'm hurt, angered and start to cry.  My face feels hot.  I call Ethan and tell him about the note.  I start to lose it.  I even go so far as to mock my conversation to Kaiser, "Hello!  You're the ones who aborted my baby!  Are you freaking kidding me?"  I want them to know my hurt at their oversight.  I want to curse at them and cry at them and have them feel awful.

Oh, the theatrics.

Of course, my baby wasn't aborted.  My baby wasn't ever going to be a baby.

I realize, as a result of this letter I received in the mail today, that I am still very emotional about it all.  I suppose I thought I had  grieved and it was over.  Turns out, if you have the right angle, I can get all worked up about it, all over again.

Ro starts to fuss, she bumped her head on the table.  And I'm all better.
I snuggle her and we talk about what happened.  I ask her if she wants to help me put away some clean clothes and she hops up, her hurt head all but healed.