Pregnancy's over.

Not to be a downer, but this isn't going to be a "fun" post.  I know, the last one was a downer, I promise to keep it light next time.

Let's just call this one "informational".

As of Thursday I won't be pregnant anymore.  I'm experiencing what's called a "molar pregnancy".  It means that there is some DNA missing, that some part of the egg isn't complete and it isn't going to grow.  So I have a fertilized egg in me, a growing placenta and raging pregnancy hormones, none of which will ever result in a fetus.

We found this out yesterday at our prenatal appointment when, during the ultrasound, they could find no baby.  Then, after hours and hours of being at Kaiser, the nurse finally told us that there was no baby and I broke down.  I sobbed and cried and had unattractive face contortions.  It's a strange thing to have my mind set on such a big life change then to have it no longer be our reality.  This is difficult for me.

I was reminded yesterday, however, that I can be thankful.  There are so many worse things that can happen to a person and this is so very small.  Not only is my child amazing and beautiful, but she is healthy and so is my husband.  We are in no position to grieve for long over this little speed bump.  We will just try again.

I still am pregnant.  My hormone levels are on par with someone having triplets (not uncommon of molar pregnancies) and I feel like crap half the time.  Thursday all the stuff that has grown inside me for this pregnancy will be removed.  For some reason this part hits me the hardest.  I can't think about it without a hard lump forming in my throat and my eyes burning.

Then....I don't know what.  I don't know what recovery looks like (the procedure is considered "surgical") and I don't know how long before my hormones go back to normal.  I'm nervous.

And I'll be o.k.

Now you know, that way you don't have to ask me when my due date is or ask me if we're hoping for a boy or a girl.  You don't have to feel bad for us either.  We're sad, but we're really ok.