Someone we know likely killed themselves. I say "likely" because the police aren't saying for sure yet. But it's pretty for sure.
Ugh.
I am so sad. I cannot stop thinking about it. I think terrible things like, I wonder if he died right away, or if he had to suffer until he bled out. And, I wonder if he regretted it the moment it was too late. These kind of morbid, useless thoughts are running rampant. As are random fits of crying. The worst is when I think about his mom, because then I think about me. I think what if that happened to one of my babies. Then the tears get wild.
It's a selfish place to come from, but it's where I am right now. Like wanting desperately to make sure this doesn't happen to me. Telling Rosanna a thousand times today how I love her more than I've ever loved anything in my life, that I will forever show up for her, that she never has to be so lonely. That she never has to be so sad.
Then comes the part about,"What if I could have done something?" He had asked us when we were gonna pick up taco Tuesdays again, and when we went again, I didn't even think to call him. What if that could have done something in his life? Had him feel less lonely. Had him feel like people care.
Who haven't I paid attention to lately? Who am I going to feel guilty about losing if they pass before the next time I see them?
Oh man Mel. I have know people who have made this same tragic choice. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I know it is hard and we can't always understand why they feel this is the only option they have. Remember that you did love him and even if it doesn't seem like they knew it, deep down under all the pain they knew you did. They had just been blinded by the thick veil of sadness that depression lays over us. I have been in places in my life where I have contemplated this decision, mental instability and non coping runs strong in my family, so let me tell you once a person is so far into the rabbit whole most of the time they cant even begin to want to find their way out. I understand not being able to help but think what could I have done, it's all part of the process. All you can do is what your doing, feeling and getting through the grief with your loving family, awesome husband, and special little babies! We love you guys and are here for anything you need! Hang in there girly.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry babe. Know how much people know you love them. Depression is powerful and very deceitful. Don't blame yourself or play the "what if" game--- it can be endless. Continue to be YOU- a great friend, a great Mom, and awesome wife... and know we love you tons. I'm sorry for your loss... but praise God that your family is healthy, well, and together.
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