Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Following my brain through the loss

Someone we know likely killed themselves.  I say "likely" because the police aren't saying for sure yet.  But it's pretty for sure. 


I am so sad.  I cannot stop thinking about it. I think terrible things like, I wonder if he died right away, or if he had to suffer until he bled out.  And, I wonder if he regretted it the moment it was too late.  These kind of morbid, useless thoughts are running rampant.  As are random fits of crying.  The worst is when I think about his mom, because then I think about me.  I think what if that happened to one of my babies.  Then the tears get wild. 

It's a selfish place to come from, but it's where I am right now.  Like wanting desperately to make sure this doesn't happen to me.  Telling Rosanna a thousand times today how I love her more than I've ever loved anything in my life, that I will forever show up for her, that she never has to be so lonely.  That she never has to be so sad. 

Then comes the part about,"What if I could have done something?"  He had asked us when we were gonna pick up taco Tuesdays again, and when we went again, I didn't even think to call him.  What if that could have done something in his life?  Had him feel less lonely.  Had him feel like people care.

Who haven't I paid attention to lately?  Who am I going to feel guilty about losing if they pass before the next time I see them?