Saturday, December 3, 2011

Day 23: Gratitude

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of "gratitude" is my life.

In high school I didn't take the SATs or apply to colleges.  I didn't have a clear direction I was interested in.  I wandered and stayed uncommitted through a few years of community college.  Then came Italy.  I went within a few weeks of becoming "official" with E.
The possibilities for my life were whatever I wanted them to be, and the possibility that got me the most excited was being married and being a stay-at-home mom.  I struggled with this because I had remnants of thoughts along the lines of:  staying at home is a repressive role, having my husband support me totally is degrading, and strong women do it all: work, mother and be a wife.  I am happy to say that I am fully recovered of these thoughts, that I am a bit embarrassed that I bought into them in the first place.
Because I was sure that staying at home with my babies was what I wanted, I asked E early on what he wanted for his wife and babies.  He told me he wanted his wife to stay home and raise his babies.  That was that.
There were a few moments where my need to please my family was tested.  The over-arching desire from them was that I would go to college, get a degree and become established in a profession.  So upon hearing what my actual game plan was, I was presented with questions about what I would fall back on when my kids were no longer in the house, and maybe I could just get a degree because you never know when that might come in handy, etc.  In those moments my will was tested, my passion challenged.  I am, historically, a pleaser.  I avoid or resolve conflict with a quick hand, and this challenging of my resolve looked like confrontation.  It was scary for me to ward off the comments and suggestions that I might be making a silly choice.
Today I am grateful that I stuck to my guns.  I am grateful for a husband who sees the importance of having a parent raise our child and is willing to make the sorts of sacrifices to maintain that lifestyle.  I am grateful that my husband sees and acknowledges how the time I spend with Ro is resulting in a confident, vibrant and brilliant child.  I cannot begin to describe how this life choice fills me up and how I don't feel like I am missing out on anything.  It is the career I didn't always know I wanted and am so glad that I committed to.

1 comment:

  1. I think it's amazing that you can stay home with Ro. I can totally understand the "degrading/repressive" thoughts because I have also had those. I think that it depends on the husband/wife relationship and the kind of man the husband is. You have an awesome husband that knows you being home with your baby is great and that you ARE working... You have to keep up with her, nevermind all the other things you do with her once you catch her! :)