Day 23: Gratitude

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of "gratitude" is my life.

In high school I didn't take the SATs or apply to colleges.  I didn't have a clear direction I was interested in.  I wandered and stayed uncommitted through a few years of community college.  Then came Italy.  I went within a few weeks of becoming "official" with E.

The possibilities for my life were whatever I wanted them to be, and the possibility that got me the most excited was being married and being a stay-at-home mom.  I struggled with this because I had remnants of thoughts along the lines of:  staying at home is a repressive role, having my husband support me totally is degrading, and strong women do it all: work, mother and be a wife.  I am happy to say that I am fully recovered of these thoughts, that I am a bit embarrassed that I bought into them in the first place.

Because I was sure that staying at home with my babies was what I wanted, I asked E early on what he wanted for his wife and babies.  He told me he wanted his wife to stay home and raise his babies.  That was that.

There were a few moments where my need to please my family was tested.  The over-arching desire from them was that I would go to college, get a degree and become established in a profession.  So upon hearing what my actual game plan was, I was presented with questions about what I would fall back on when my kids were no longer in the house, and maybe I could just get a degree because you never know when that might come in handy, etc.  In those moments my will was tested, my passion challenged.  I am, historically, a pleaser.  I avoid or resolve conflict with a quick hand, and this challenging of my resolve looked like confrontation.  It was scary for me to ward off the comments and suggestions that I might be making a silly choice.

Today I am grateful that I stuck to my guns.  I am grateful for a husband who sees the importance of having a parent raise our child and is willing to make the sorts of sacrifices to maintain that lifestyle.  I am grateful that my husband sees and acknowledges how the time I spend with Ro is resulting in a confident, vibrant and brilliant child.  I cannot begin to describe how this life choice fills me up and how I don't feel like I am missing out on anything.  It is the career I didn't always know I wanted and am so glad that I committed to.