Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Day 3: Happiness

I cannot come up with a picture of happiness....not because I am depressed, but because "happiness" is too wide to define in one shot.

Things that come to mind immediately are: motherhood, marriage, sunshine.

It rocks my socks.  At naptime and bedtime my kid tumbles into bed next to me, all arms and legs a-flailing, landing in the crook of my arm and babbling joyfully about everything.  She begs to do dishes with me.  She instructs whoever is near by on what they can be drawing for her with crayons, lately it's a "humpback whale".  When I give her a look, she falls into pieces- laughing, screaming and running away because she knows I'm gonna run her down and smother her in kisses and tickley fingers.  I could write novel, but I think you're with me.

My first trial in a relationship fraught with elation, distress, joy, tension and fulfillment.  One that I committed to and cannot escape.  Sometimes I want to and I am always thankful that I made the commitment to stay.  The 'lows' are exponentially outweighed by the 'highs'.  They build us up, strengthen us to trudge through the lows.  Marriage is unlike any relationship I have ever had.  I am requested to open up and be vulnerable.  I am requested to show up for someone else.  These aren't qualities that are second nature to me.  I am quite selfish and closed up.  Ethan is my perfect match because he challenges those points regularly.  Sometimes it feels like the opposite, like he isn't the perfect match because the challenges make me uncomfortable.  Bit by bit he is making me a better person, flattening my buttons.  His smile is tragically handsome and his persistence that I let him love me leave me in awe of him- even when I am resisting with all my might.  The result of my marriage is always happiness, it is always worth it.

The perfect accompaniment to nearly everything.  River day?  Lame, without sunshine.  Disneyland?  Even happier with sunshine.  I revel in the feeling of sun warming my shoulders.  I love the river cooling the sun off my shoulders.  I love moving out of cool shade, into warm sun and soaking up relief from chilly fall days.  I love laying on the rocks by the water and feeling the heat of the sun on my back and my front.  Ah, sun.  After it has been dreary for weeks, do you notice how emotions shift when the sun finally is revealed?  Suddenly the world is filled with "Hello"s, cheeks raised in smiles.  It's like we get a hit of happiness.

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